Bon Jovi and other Worship music

Half of the writing I do is merely expelling thoughts from my head... maybe you can help me sort out fact, fiction and significance from my observations.

I was able to attend Jubilee this year for the first time, and it was excellent. I mean, it would have been mind-blowing if I attended as an undergrad, but as a grad student who has well and truly bought into everything they're selling, I found it an encouraging and exciting experience. It helped that Hearts&Minds had a massive number of books there; I may or may not have spent two full workshops perusing. More than that, however, I appreciated the together-ness of the large meetings when, among other things, we stood together to worship.

The band was great. I come from a church - well, several churches in succession - that leans hard on acoustic, contemplative, traditional music, but that doesn't mean I have a problem with amps, drums, electric keyboards and the like. It was louder than I was used to but it was good... and then they brought the violins out. I play the violin. I love listening to the violin. When I hear the violin, especially in worship, I remember a line from a book I read as a child: "I thought my soul would rise and fly." Between the togetherness, the power of the music, and the rising and flying of my soul with the violins, I had an exceptionally amazing time of worship that weekend. I believed I felt the Spirit moving.

Fast forward about a week and a half, and picture me and my friend Kara headed to a concert. Not just any concert, a BON JOVI concert. I'll pause while you laugh. Here's a treat:

Lots of interesting things happened on the way there, including my applying eyeliner for the second time ever in a dimly lit restroom (welcome back to the 80s), a snooty waiter at Mad Mex (I know, right?), people selling t-shirts on a busy interstate, and almost losing the tickets after we drove all that way... but eventually we made it there. The tickets were a white elephant gift, and I was surprised - and surprisingly pleased - to discover that we were behind the stage at the Consol Energy Center. We were literally looking down on the band, and they had the courtesy to run 360degree sound so we missed nothing (especially not the awesome dance moves). One beer and a few shockingly famous songs later, and we were singing and dancing with the rest of them, cheering until our throats were hoarse because he absolutely refused to play "Livin' On a Prayer" until the very end.

Something was bothering me, though, and it didn't take that long to put a finger on what it was; namely, I had pretty much the same experience at that Bon Jovi concert as I did during worship at Jubilee. I mean, the words I was singing were different. The instruments were different. The company was (really) different. But there was a deep similarity of my feeling, my attitude... my soul? There were no violins, but that light, flighty sensation and the power of the words I was singing hit me the same way.

This was (I hope) understandably distressing to me, and as I reflected I came up with a few plausible explanations:

1) We're doing worship wrong. What I perceived to be a powerful worship experience at Jubilee was little more than the adaptation of a technique, perfected in rock music, that inspires a particular emotional response. It's not completely unheard of, and it fits with a certain view of reality (the one I was raised with, in fact): most emotion is suspect.

2) There's nothing wrong with the worship, and nothing wrong with the Bon Jovi concert. If everything is spiritual and feeling - physical or emotional - is an expression of God's good creation, then maybe the Holy Spirit was in both places. But then... why worship?

3) It's not really the worship or the concert, it's me. It's perfectly reasonable to consider that I am not as dedicated as I seem, nor as wise as I would like to believe... perhaps I simply don't recognize the Holy Spirit, and I was fooled by the music into believing that he was there. Either time.

This is just the beginning, I know, of the explanations that could be proposed, but it's all I've got. I have to acknowledge that there was a substantial difference between these experiences, and that is that I was intensely aware of the words I was singing. You simply cannot confuse Bon Jovi lyrics with most worship lyrics, because the rebellious humanism comes through loud and clear... but that's a conversation for another day.

That's all she wrote!

Oh, except for this great picture. That's a Terrible Towel, btw :)

Beginning a Blog (after the fact)

It occurs to me that while I have a cute tagline to my blog title, I've never really taken the time to explain what "The Cross and the Sword" really means, and why I think it's such a big deal. To be honest, it's an idea that has been evolving for a few years now and I was afraid, at first, that it would be a passing thing and I would end up changing it a few times. If you've been with me for a while, you know that the tagline itself has changed a bit over time; somehow, though, the spirit of the cross and the sword have stayed with me, so here is an exploration of their roots and what (I hope) I can do with these themes in my life.

The metaphor of a cross and a sword began for me when I was at Miracle Mountain Ranch, 17 years old and newly graduated from high school. It is a long time since I looked like the stereotypical homeschooler, but not so far under my socially adapted exterior is a deeply committed nerd: a devoted Lord of the Rings fan (and fan-fiction/RP writer, she said with a nod to The Plaza), constant reader of 18th and 19th century literature, and a self-fashioned wanderer in search of chivalry, honesty and honor. That year at the Ranch I was the model apprentice, but there were a few people with whom I felt I could be myself. During training demonstrations in the barn we would sit in the loft and I would use graph paper to sketch fantastical coats of arms and brands, mustering all that I knew of heraldry to lend significance to the images and colors used in my creations.

One creation in particular stayed with me, because of its beauty and simplicity. The vertical line was too long to be a cross, the horizontal too plain to be a sword. I wrapped a casual line of color around it, from its arm to the point, then back to the other arm. I attempted to add plumes, to put it on a shield, to incorporate it into the Lion Rampant or some more glorious emblem, to use it as the "l" in my name, but in the end I found that none of the embellishments improved it and I resolved to leave it alone. Besides, the summer was approaching and I was far too busy wrangling my landscaping volunteers to be worried with developing my personal coat of arms any further.

After the Ranch, real life hit abruptly. For lack of a better idea, I found myself enrolled at a little school called Geneva College in Beaver Falls - for all that it was 12 miles from home, I had never heard of the city or the school before my mother suggested them - and I was "undeclared," which was code for: I want to know everything and I have commitment issues. Because of my interests in high school, I took a serious look at History and Creative Writing as majors, with Student Ministry thrown in there as a potential interest because I really wanted to impress a certain person from MMR. The college setting was a shock to my system, but in the honors program I found a few people with whom I felt safe enough to mention my love of imagery, icons and latin mottos. I sometimes wonder if they thought me crazy.

The battle to choose a major (and escape the incessant coddling of those in charge of Undeclared L&T "Focus Group") was intense, but brief; in the end, Terry Thomas's storytelling won me over and in the space of eight weeks I had declared for Student Ministry. I loved every one of my major classes, but I couldn't shake the desire to know everything, especially about the way people work. I have always been a people-watcher, and this tendency was incubated through the time I spent eating alone in the cafeteria and hanging out with Debbie in the Student Min Office.

You didn't know you had signed up for the story of my life, did you?

Contrary to what some people believe, student ministry isn't (all) about campfire songs and ice-breaker games. In addition to "ministry" classes concerned with the history and development of ministry, special studies in specific ministry models and situations, and three unique practicum experiences, we take quite a few Bible classes, along with theology, philosophy, and psychology. On top of this, I was at a liberal arts college with traditional "core" requirements: humanities, social sciences, political science, etc. I will never regret the time or money spent on these, ever. However, as I began to connect the dots of my learning and reflect on my experience as a homeschooler, an apprentice, and now as a college student, some difficulties became apparent.

When I say "difficulties," please know that I mean "things that are profoundly distressing"; so profoundly distressing that I don't really know how to properly express them most of the time; not in person, and not in print. At its heart is the question of Truth; in my Bible classes I was taught that Jesus said "the Truth shall set you free" (John 8), but in my experience Truth has been most associated with right and wrong. Beyond that, right and wrong often demarcate "us" and "them," "in" and "out," "valuable" and "valueless"; these in turn help "us," who are "in" and "valuable," to determine what should be cared about and who should be ignored.

We come to "know" what sin is and we believe it is our duty to preach against it; we come to "know"that sin is an abomination to God and we make it our duty to be appalled by it; we come to "know" that we have been redeemed... and we decide to cast the unredeemed world into hell's fire prematurely. Who made me the judge? What pride is it that rejoices in my personal salvation and then refuses to give that grace to others? I am not saying this of all Christians, or even all American Christians, but the pervasiveness of divisive, ignorant, and ungracious behavior within the church is well documented by recent research (i.e. You Lost Me and UnChristian). This should not surprise us, given the doctrine of the Fall.

The Bible calls the Word of God a "double-edged sword" (Heb 4:12), and I think we can agree that the simplest statements have been as destructive as a broadsword when used in the wrong place or time, or with the wrong attitude. Never in opposition, but certainly in contrast, Jesus tells us that knowing the Truth sets us free - and a few short chapter later he announces exactly what he means: Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me" (John 14:6).

What is the truth that we are commanded to know? What did the Word of God (John 1:1) do with ultimate power? He loved. He sacrificed. He redeemed.

Redemption cost all of him. How can I do less?

In the last few years, this has been the story of my life. I believe in truth. I believe that there are such things as right and wrong. I believe that it is vitally important to preach against sin, to teach what is right, to avoid what is wrong. However, my studies and experiences almost daily remind me that I was redeemed in spite of my sin, and it is not for me to withhold that redemption from others; in fact, it is my responsibility to share redemption with the world.

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12

Tempting as it is, I cannot run into the world waving a bright sword and pretending that all things said in truth are just. This kind of power cannot be wielded by a child like me, unless its every move is constrained also by the love of Christ, the love that willingly approached the cross. And so, once in a while I practice drawing my childish talisman, a reminder to me that God has been weaving his plans into the fabric of my life since the beginning and will continue doing so until the end. I approach life with a cross and a sword... and every day I learn more of who I am between the two.

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote...

It's a bit late in the game to be writing this, but among the lessons I have learned at the Post Office is one about Christmas. And I am starting this with 12 minutes left in that blessed day, so I consider myself justified in attempting it, at the very least.

I have been known, among family and close friends, as a Grinch. In some ways it is a wonder that certain of my friends are still my friends, considering their devotion to the holiday. I am fine with the idea of Christmas, particularly when riding the cheery wave of Thanksgiving celebrations, but as the day draws closer I become grouchy and unhappy, and thus much more difficult to live with. I have many excuses for this behavior, but I'll only give you a few:

I have sometimes chosen to explain that I am disappointed by the blatant materialism of the holiday as most of us celebrate it, buying things that no one really needs and that they could just as easily buy for themselves (or that they will exchange so they can buy that other thing they really want). We treat it as everybody's birthday: it's very expensive, and the only people who really benefit are those in marketing.

 Or, I could say that the expectations stress me out. Christmas is supposed to be a cheerful time, full of time-honored traditions and merry-making with friends. Traditions and "merry-making" do not translate into our culture so well - we all want to have all of the traditions and negotiating the making of "merry" with friends with different schedules who are likewise involved in the keeping of all traditions is far too difficult. To top it off, the expectation of cheerfulness makes my sin nature rear up and say, "What? Cheerful? Well, now I'll be the farthest thing from it. On principle."

Finally, what is up with the music? 94.5FM plays only Christmas music from the day after Thanksgiving until the New Year, and while I appreciate their devotion, I swear there are only 20 Christmas songs in the whole world. They are all cheerful. They all talk about traditions that most of us don't have but wish we did (Yule Logs, White Christmas, a real life belief in Santa Clause, or the ubiquitous "sleigh-ride" that no longer has a wide-spread cultural context), which contributes to the stress mentioned in my last example.

On a more personal note, Christmas songs are all about the good old days and the people that we remember. I don't like to miss people. I want them to be here with me. Auld Lang Syne - since when is that a cheerful song? I don't want to miss "auld acquaintance," I don't want them to be gone in the first place.

So. That's the sort of thing I say. I admit I did some grinching this year, and I'm sure my friends and co-workers could give you some great examples, but working at the post office changed that a bit for me.

It's strange that transitioning from school to the night shift at a distribution center could do it. To be honest, when I took the job I breathed a sigh of relief - if I was working 72hr. weeks (as I was told I would be), I could take the holiday in small doses and hide from it when I wanted to. I felt that way right up until my second shift, when I saw the first package covered in colorful paper with the North Pole as the return address. And then the next day I got to do a manual sort - Christmas cards galore, from real people to real people. Lots of mail to APO addresses (that is, military mail), international packages, oddly shaped packages, coconuts from Hawaii pretending to be real packages.


In case you're wondering, you should never put Santa as the return addressee. I have seen too many packages go into limbo because of incomplete or torn addresses and an illegitimate return address. 

It is odd to think that this job, where anonymity is the name of the game, is the one that made me want to spend time with the people who know me, no matter how much stress comes along with it. The postal service is pretty darn quick - inspired by the mail I was sorting, I bought Christmas cards for some of my best friends, wrote notes in them during breaks, and mailed them two days before the big day, fairly sure that they would make it in time - but the extra time, the extra thought required to buy, package, mail, and be on time gave me some hope for this country and our traditions.

I haven't renounced Grinching altogether, and I probably won't until someone decides to write the modern equivalent of the sleigh song and put it to a melancholy tune, but I have made an effort to look for the opportunities in the holiday instead of the deficiencies. So far it's working, and I'm taking advantage of my day off to be with the people I love.

Merry Christmas, to my readers, my non-readers, and the people who play Springstein's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on the radio ad nauseum. It's not about the stuff, it's not about the cheer, it's about the people. Start a new tradition, one that's about words and time and hours spent "unproductively." It will do wonders for your holiday experience.