About 18 months ago I started a spiritual practice of meditating for a few minutes (anywhere from 5-15, depending on the day) while praying The Jesus Prayer in time with my breathing. I recommend it to anyone, really, for a few reasons: 1) The practice of paying attention to one's breath is an excellent way to manage stress and improve concentration, 2) Beginning one's day by praying for, pleading for, and remembering God's mercy reminds one of one's place in the world, and 3) Combining breath with prayer develops a pattern of unconscious prayer - one is able to pray without ceasing without being totally aware of the prayer.
And that's good, because sometimes words fail you and all you can do is breathe.
I don't know if it's because of Holy Week, or because I'm coming to the end of my fast, or because we're nearing the end of the semester, but this week felt like an uphill battle. I wrote a 'summary' of Monday thru Thursday in my journal that took up a full page; I won't bore you with the details. By Tuesday night, however, I had noticed a pattern - I would tell myself, "___ is almost over; I'm so glad I can go to ___ and not really exert any energy." I would go to ___ and promptly be thrown into a situation that demanded my best effort and every bit of energy I didn't have.
What was amazing was that in the midst of the chaos and at the end of each day I didn't feel defeated. I also didn't feel exhilarated, like I had accomplished something. In the midst of the chaos and the silence I only had time and energy for one thought.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.Breathe in. Breath out. Try to think of a prayer.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on them.Embrace the silence. Focus on responding. Realize that it is God working through me, that he is right there in the silence and the noise. He doesn't put me in trying circumstances to show me that I can handle them, but to show me that it is always he who handles them. He knows what needs to be done, and he is working tirelessly, and he brings me with him like my dad letting me ride along to Home Depot - not because he needs my help, but because he wants me to be involved.
Last Friday when I finished reading The Way of the Heart I started a new book, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton. At the end of the each chapter she includes an exercise; last week it was a time of meditation, to listen for the thing that your soul wants to say to God and has not found the words to express. I prayed that God would show me why I am here - physically, in Fort Wayne, so far from the things I hoped for when I started job searching - and what it is he wants from me while I am here. I forgot the prayer until I sat down on Thursday to look at my journal. It wasn't an easy answer, but I feel that this week has been an answer.
Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy
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