The tipping point

I'm done. That's it. No more.

How many times have I said that in the last sixteen months? To be honest, there are days when I said it five or six times and yet kept moving forward. My experience as an RD has been stressful, tiring, emotionally exhausting, and is starting to consume my entire life. It's not terribly surprising to me that I moved three hundred miles away from all of my friends and family and promptly became a workaholic, but I thought I was making strides toward balance when I got involved in an awesome church and found a local music scene that interests me.

In a 1/1 a few weeks ago I told a RA that residence life sets us up to be the most insecure people on campus, and since then I have been gradually discovering how true the statement was. When I am on campus, whether I am performing job-related functions or not, I am "on the clock" in the sense that my behavior must remain professional and supportive lest I estrange someone I need to speak with tomorrow. But that was the challenge I expected; every RD has to deal with this living-where-you-work challenge. And so we become engaged in communities and activities off campus to remind us that we have purpose and value outside of living clean lives, saying the right things, and answering the on-call phone at 3am.

The tipping point of my stress was when I realized that although I have events that take me off campus, that I look forward to and spend time preparing for, most of those events melt into yet another performance expectation. What I choose to do is an expression of who I am, but instead of being natural it often feels like I am trying to prove who I am so that people will accept me and care about me. I had a terrible moment the other week when I realized that although there are several people with whom I have genuine friendships in Fort Wayne, my brain snidely reminds me that my primary relationship with most of them is based on what I do rather than who I am.

I could blame this state of affairs on many things, and I have. But last week I came to a breaking point for the umpteenth time since taking this job; I took an honest look at my life and realized that I keep allowing myself to play the victim. I don't have time to relax and I blame it on everyone else because they want to talk at midnight when I would rather be reading or watching Friends...and it's so very easy to just say, "I'm done. That's it. No more." and still not change a thing. And so I got fed up with myself and decided to change a thing.

I've started getting up in the morning. I like mornings, I just don't like the tired that usually accompanies them after late nights and feeling depressed because someone stole my "me" time yet again. But I'm done being a victim of my sleep schedule and my job, so I started getting up and seeing the morning magic hour and making a cup of coffee and reading things that are interesting to me and my Bible and writing in my journal. Do you know how much better I feel? Everything isn't fixed, and insecurity is, as always, lurking around most corners, but now I have some time each day to gain perspective and make myself fit for service.

Because I'm done. That's it. No more. God didn't give me this opportunity so that I could feel sorry for myself.


Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

4.18.14

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

About 18 months ago I started a spiritual practice of meditating for a few minutes (anywhere from 5-15, depending on the day) while praying The Jesus Prayer in time with my breathing. I recommend it to anyone, really, for a few reasons: 1) The practice of paying attention to one's breath is an excellent way to manage stress and improve concentration, 2) Beginning one's day by praying for, pleading for, and remembering God's mercy reminds one of one's place in the world, and 3) Combining breath with prayer develops a pattern of unconscious prayer - one is able to pray without ceasing without being totally aware of the prayer.

And that's good, because sometimes words fail you and all you can do is breathe.

I don't know if it's because of Holy Week, or because I'm coming to the end of my fast, or because we're nearing the end of the semester, but this week felt like an uphill battle. I wrote a 'summary' of Monday thru Thursday in my journal that took up a full page; I won't bore you with the details. By Tuesday night, however, I had noticed a pattern - I would tell myself, "___ is almost over; I'm so glad I can go to ___ and not really exert any energy." I would go to ___ and promptly be thrown into a situation that demanded my best effort and every bit of energy I didn't have.

What was amazing was that in the midst of the chaos and at the end of each day I didn't feel defeated. I also didn't feel exhilarated, like I had accomplished something. In the midst of the chaos and the silence I only had time and energy for one thought.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

Breathe in. Breath out. Try to think of a prayer.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on them.

Embrace the silence. Focus on responding. Realize that it is God working through me, that he is right there in the silence and the noise. He doesn't put me in trying circumstances to show me that I can handle them, but to show me that it is always he who handles them. He knows what needs to be done, and he is working tirelessly, and he brings me with him like my dad letting me ride along to Home Depot - not because he needs my help, but because he wants me to be involved.

Last Friday when I finished reading The Way of the Heart I started a new book, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton. At the end of the each chapter she includes an exercise; last week it was a time of meditation, to listen for the thing that your soul wants to say to God and has not found the words to express. I prayed that God would show me why I am here - physically, in Fort Wayne, so far from the things I hoped for when I started job searching - and what it is he wants from me while I am here. I forgot the prayer until I sat down on Thursday to look at my journal. It wasn't an easy answer, but I feel that this week has been an answer.

Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy