3.5.14

Ash Wednesday was never on my radar before. What can I say? I'm protestant. I'm not sure if it's because I'm working at a Catholic university or because of where I am in my life right now, but this year I wanted it to be different. For the last six years my time has been marked by the school year - counting down to exams and to summer jobs and to the exciting start of a new semester. It's been fun, but it's about time to grow up and invest deeply in the things God wants me to learn rather than what an institution requires of me at the moment. I decided to start with Lent; here are a few of my thoughts as I begin this experience:

My Lenten observance this year includes rather strict dietary restrictions. I am going to try to limit my diet to rice, beans, fruits and vegetables, and dairy.

1. I started with rice and beans because these foods that are staples for most of the world's populations factor minimally in my usual American fare. Preparing rice and beans for myself and eating them regularly will help me to remember that around the world people are grateful for these simple foods, as I should be.
2. Fruits and vegetables are on the list because, although there is poverty in the world, I have plenty. As a hall director I have a meal plan for the campus cafeteria, where nutrition and leafy green vegetables are regularly available. God has blessed me, and I want to be reminded of his blessing often between now and Easter.
3. Dairy made the list for health reasons - I work out a few times a week and I don't think I'll be able to get enough protein in my diet without it. Also, I can't imagine eating a spinach salad without my cottage cheese.

While I was making my plans I saw a meme on Facebook that said "Fasting without prayer is simply a diet." Fair point, right? As I understand it, the restrictions I listed up there ^ actually make up a pretty healthy diet and there's nothing wrong with that. But what's really important is what the fast signifies - I want to simplify my life so that I can hear God's voice. I want to feel hungry and to be annoyed by the blandness of my food and to be reminded that God provides me with more than enough. I want extra time at meals to appreciate the people around me. I want to read God's word without distraction and to take the time to pray for my residents. I want... to learn what fasting is really about. So I went to the Ash Wednesday mass on campus and heard Scripture read, from the prophet Joel. Rend your heart and not your garments. Why should they say among the peoples, "Where is their God?"

“Even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
    with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.

Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God.

Blow the trumpet in Zion,
    declare a holy fast,
    call a sacred assembly.
 Gather the people,
    consecrate the assembly;
bring together the elders,
    gather the children,
    those nursing at the breast.
Let the bridegroom leave his room
    and the bride her chamber.

Let the priests, who minister before the Lord,
    weep between the portico and the altar.
Let them say, “Spare your people, Lord.
    Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn,
    a byword among the nations.
Why should they say among the peoples,
    ‘Where is their God?’”

Church: Found

In the past when I lived in a place other than 'home' people always told me that it was important to find a church community of which to be a part, but I don't think I really believed them. Not that I didn't go to church. I went to some pretty spectacular churches, actually...

• Exhibit A: Spring Creek Community Church
  When I was an apprentice at Miracle Mountain Ranch I attended the community church at the bottom of the mountain not because I had tried other churches and really liked this one (in fact, I don't think I visited any other churches), but because I felt least awkward about riding to church with the people who went to Spring Creek. What can I say? I was 17 and self-conscious. Spring Creek was a great place for me, though - very small, so everyone knew - and cared about - everyone else, their prayer time didn't come from a typed list but from concerns everyone shared right there in church, and I was able to use my musical talent in worship for the first time.
  
• Exhibit B: Ecclesia Hollywood
  Again, I didn't really look for a church in LA. A few of my instructors went to Ecclesia and so my roommates and I tried it out, and where my roommates went, I followed. Still insecure, you know. What I love(d) about Ecclesia is that 1) they rented space that would otherwise be empty, because being in a particular community was more important than having a certain style of building, 2) the congregation had a particular vision for creativity and creative people and focused its efforts on them, and 3) the preaching was candid and spoke to the church specifically, rather than Christians generally. I still listen to the Ecclesia podcast and will do my darnedest to visit them every time I'm in the LA area.
  
• Exhibit C: The SOMA Gathering
  I moved to Beaver Falls as a grad student and wanted to assert my independence (particularly necessary, in my mind, because I still saw my parents very frequently). SOMA was initially appealing because people I knew went there and it was close enough to walk. Furthermore, I had started to care about the community - about belonging somewhere and sharing the burdens (and joys) of the people who lived near me. For the first time I didn't go to church with someone (although I knew people who also attended there) and I was constantly encouraged to do something with the message. 

There are two common themes in my 'independent' church experiences: 1) they were all really great churches, and 2) I 'found' them because 'people I knew went there,' aka they were convenient. What I learned through those experiences was that having a church community is REALLY important, but also that if I was going to commit myself to a church, this time I didn't want it to be accidental; I wanted to find a place with a community and ministries in which I, personally, could invest.

Church 'shopping' was an ironically profitable experience. I visited Life Bridge on their 'free donuts' day, I was given a John Piper book along with my free coffee drink and pastry at Broadway Christian Church, and was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at Wallen Baptist (along with the rest of the congregation). They were all great places, and I appreciated the music and the preaching, but none of them felt quite right. So I did a Google map search to find something really close to campus and found "Anchor Community Church." I visited once, then forced myself to try a few other places, but at Christmas I found myself wondering how soon I could go back.

I've been going to Anchor for almost three months now and I like it a lot. It's not what I envisioned, exactly, because the congregation is generally older and younger than me, but it feels right. The people I meet are friendly, there are opportunities for ministry and growth (not get-involved-as-an-underling opportunities, but we-need-more-people-for-this-to-work opportunities), and every sermon gives me something to think and pray and journal about; every sermon challenges me personally, but also reminds me that I am part of both the local community and Church universal.

There you are. I'm glad that I took my time that I didn't stick with my modus operandi and just tag along with the first person who invited me to their church (especially for Amy's sake!). At Anchor I have the opportunity to work with youth group, I can get involved in the local community, and I find encouragement and comfort each week.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. - Hebrews 6:19 - 

The Real Question

Although I have lost none of the angst that instigated melodrama in my previous post, after some reflection I realized that I never really got at the thing that I wanted to say. What I did say was true and valid, of course... I'm not losing confidence in this dream, exactly, but I do need a place in which to wonder what it would take to decide that enough is enough. A  wise woman who visited Geneva a few months ago said "Writing is thinking"; I know so little about the hand of God and what it means to wait for direction and trust his plan that I can't help but write.

So the real question is, how does one discover the difference between real confidence from faith and simple defense-mechanism apathy?

When I bought my motorcycle last summer, I tried (and failed) to have a few conversations with my dad about why I wanted to ride. In my father's mind the purchase was the least intelligent thing I had ever done, and my decision to continue riding the most reckless. I wrote a post in defense of my decision a few months ago, but to summarize, I honestly don't believe that it is irresponsible to ride because ultimately, you're only a safe as God keeps you. Every time I hit the road in any kind of vehicle I am aware of the risks, I do my best to keep my head on straight, and I know that it is God's hand that guides me through safely.

It's amazing to me that I have that kind of faith when I'm on a bike with just a thin textile jacket, jeans, and a helmet for protection, yet when it comes to resumes, cover letters, and waiting for the illusive interview I feel like James' "wave upon the sea, driven with the wind, and tossed"? Because the confidence I feel in the daytime when I'm writing and cooking and cleaning isn't always there in the evening, when the distractions have dissipated. On my bike I feel light and joyful and connected to the creation in new ways, and while I am conscientious I know that there is little I can do to keep myself safe, yet in the job hunt, every passing day makes me ask myself a few more times, "What are you doing wrong? Why didn't you do this and this and that while you were in grad school? They would make your resume worth more. Shouldn't you be calling... emailing... filling out more applications...? Why. Doesn't. Anyone. Want. Me."

Why is it so easy to be recognize grace in my successes and so difficult to wait for it in new endeavors? Why am I so quick to feel responsible for all of the things that don't work out?

Don't answer any of those questions. This isn't about me, it's about faith. It's about hearing the Holy Spirit. And it's a tiny bit about hoping that God has a plan for my career that makes me feel light and joyful and connected to the creation in new ways. (I can see it now "SOC 318: Two Wheels and Four Lanes - an inquiry into motorcycle culture in the U.S." A semester cross-country... dude, that would be awesome...) 

Something Will Turn Up

I am currently unemployed. I knew that I was going to be unemployed since graduation marked the end of my usefulness to my alma mater, and so I got what many people would consider a head start on the job search. I began filling out job applications in January and continued slowly-but-surely until the present. I tallied my savings, told myself that I had a few free months before I had to start working on loan repayment, and moved back to my parents' house. I started off fairly laid back about the whole job-finding process; now I complete at least one application a day, and I have received exactly no responses apart from a few automated rejections.

Of course, my own response to silence and the occasional rejection is literary in nature. Either in my thoughts or aloud I announce, "Something will turn up!", thereby inviting both my favorite author and my favorite character to the experience; it's good to have company. Deep down, though, there's the nagging question of when - today? next week? at the end of the summer? If I dwell on that thought, there's an even deeper nagging question - is this really where God is calling me?

You see, near the end of the semester I had moments where I questioned whether my calm concerning the job search came from true confidence that God knew what he was doing, or from the apathy of exhaustion. As a moderately insecure introvert, every cover letter feels like a major emotional investment, and a risky one - not only am I sharing some portion of myself with complete strangers, I'm not convinced of the value of what I have to share. Am I accepting my circumstances and waiting for God's timing, or is it simply a defense mechanism?

Today I read an excellent post on the academic job search from one of my favorite blogs, Shitty First Drafts, and one piece of advice really caught my attention: "4. Be ready to bail on this whole academic career thing and decide what will trigger you to do it." I know it's early (and a bit melodramatic) to talk about bailing just because I haven't had a call back, but I do wonder what it would - or should - take for me to decide that this isn't my path. I have so many other dreams and interests... am I chasing the wrong one?

If I am, you would think God might have said something before I spent two years in grad school for higher education. Then again, his ways are not our ways... I'm sure something will turn up.