Dear Debbie,
A lot of things have changed in the last year, and I don't know where to begin. For some reason the knowledge that if I went back and sat in my chair in the office you wouldn't be on the other side of the desk from me seems like the most dramatic change. Is your new job treating you well? Is it strange to be in different places and talking to different people regularly, and most importantly - have you been able to let the particular stresses of work at Geneva go? These are questions that I ask of you because I know I'll be changing jobs in the next few years and part of me is wondering how I'll ever let this place and these people go. I can complain all day, but working here makes me feel needed and like I'm a part of something, and it's hard to imagine that I could find that anywhere else. If you have, maybe there's hope for me.
It has been a long year in my world.
In October one of my residents died by suicide, taking her own life in my hall. Once upon a time that was a thing I couldn't imagine ever saying because it would be too horrible to contemplate; now I look at that sentence and think "that seems too simple, will people really understand how serious it was?" It's amazing how life can change your expectations and perspective. For weeks - even months - all I could think about was, what should I be doing? and what have I forgotten to do? and who have I failed to help today? Even now, six months later, I often do or think things that would have seemed absurd pre-October.
Other things contributed to this year being difficult, of course. We had to replace two RAs on our ResLife staff, although my hall staff stayed the same. Our Director of Student Activities changed positions at the University and so I became the interim SAC Advisor for the last half of the semester. Back in PA my newest niece was born, my parents faced serious health issues, and [it's hard to be away from my favorite sister who makes me laugh and talks about deep things and is beautiful and single and a total catch]*. I'm pretty involved in my church, and have activities there three evenings a week, and worship team early on Sunday, so Friday and Saturday night were my only evenings 'off'...unless I was on call and had to be awake and on campus for rounds. It got to the point where I had to force myself off campus for two hours on Thursday morning to maintain some sanity.
On paper it doesn't seem as extreme as it did walking through it. Most of the time I felt like a pinball being batted from one corner to another, reacting and supporting and doing stuff without the time or will to stop and think about whether I was doing stuff the best way, or even whether I was doing important stuff in the first place. Just a few months ago I might have been tempted to describe it as the worst year of my life. It has been a year of sorrow and tears, and late nights, and impossible conversations, and failures, and asking for forgiveness, and fear. I have always considered myself brave, and this year I came to know fear intimately.
I can't call it the worst year, however, because it has also been a year of grace. I now know more of the perfect love that casts out fear, and that works all things - even the deeply wrong things - together for good. Love isn't a fuzzy, happy feeling, and it isn't easy. Love clings to faith, and when faith seems disappointed, clings to hope. Day to day, sometimes minute to minute, I had nothing but the tiniest ray of hope that God has a plan for redemption. I will never see the whole picture, but I have had the joy of seeing people I love overcome difficulties and come out on the other side stronger. God's love is perfect, and each day it casts out just a little bit more fear until I can honestly say that this has been the hardest year, but I've made it through.
This is a letter that I started several months ago. It has been hard to find time and space to assemble my thoughts. But I need to write about this, and I had to start somewhere; hopefully more will follow.
Until then,
Ceci
*edited by request of said sister. You wish you knew what it said before, hmm?
Showing posts with label ResLife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ResLife. Show all posts
5.15.2015
3.23.2014
LtD: Supporting Academics in Residence Life
Dear Debbie,
I've been wanting to write about this for some time because academics are very important to me and to the university, and because I fear that with every year academics becomes less important to the mid-adolescents who go off to college to be 'educated.' I remember having a few conversations with the other three musketeers (as I fondly think of my GA co-workers) about how frustrating it is to have a field called student development that claims to have so much influence over the direction students' development takes and yet often sees its goals as separate from or - dramatically put - in opposition to the goals of faculty.
I may or may not have silently vowed never to become one of 'those people.' I may or may not now be one of those people, and I am unhappily able to see the difficulty of their position.
From my newly enlightened position as one of those people, I am beginning to realize how much everything is different when you step into a job. Last time I mentioned that I've been experiencing 'growing pains' as a RD, because my world and scope of influence (I'm being generous with the term) keep growing. The old ways I had of working with students just aren't sufficient to the demands I have on my time and the professional standards I want to maintain. In no area of my life is this so apparent as my desire to support academics. When I was driving back to Fort Wayne after Christmas I recorded a voice memo that went something like this:
Here are a few of the things I've come up with:
*although these are 'Letters to Debbie,' they are also blog posts and as such I encourage any reader to join the conversation. PLEASE. :)
I've been wanting to write about this for some time because academics are very important to me and to the university, and because I fear that with every year academics becomes less important to the mid-adolescents who go off to college to be 'educated.' I remember having a few conversations with the other three musketeers (as I fondly think of my GA co-workers) about how frustrating it is to have a field called student development that claims to have so much influence over the direction students' development takes and yet often sees its goals as separate from or - dramatically put - in opposition to the goals of faculty.
I may or may not have silently vowed never to become one of 'those people.' I may or may not now be one of those people, and I am unhappily able to see the difficulty of their position.
From my newly enlightened position as one of those people, I am beginning to realize how much everything is different when you step into a job. Last time I mentioned that I've been experiencing 'growing pains' as a RD, because my world and scope of influence (I'm being generous with the term) keep growing. The old ways I had of working with students just aren't sufficient to the demands I have on my time and the professional standards I want to maintain. In no area of my life is this so apparent as my desire to support academics. When I was driving back to Fort Wayne after Christmas I recorded a voice memo that went something like this:
Once upon a time, when I was a student, I felt like I could help other students through sheer force of will. You know, I would proof read their papers and discuss the changes with them, encourage them daily about specific classes. As a professional I can't really do that; I can't do things for them in that way because there's just so many of them.I probably would have continued in that way if I had stayed at Geneva. I go back and forth with wishing that I had been able to stay at an institution where I not only understood the academic requirements but knew the faculty in and out of the classroom so that I could give students honest opinions and advice. Deep down, though, I can see that the 'force of will' approach is a bit immature. The question is, what do I do now? How do I support the academic mission of the university without letting that overshadow the rest of the responsibilities in my job description?
Here are a few of the things I've come up with:
- Support faculty through my conversations with students. It's amazing how easy it is to build rapport with residents if you listen to them complain about their professors. While I believe it may be helpful to express frustration over classes, I believe that it is my responsibility to help them find a more balanced outlook on their professors because if they have such a negative view they're not being particularly teachable. (I'm almost certain that some development theory would support this, I just forget which?)
- Show an interest in residents' classes. I have a lot of student-athletes in my hall, and it's very easy (also very FUN) to attend the various sporting events to show my support. What I don't do nearly as easily or well (so far) is find out about lecture opportunities that I can advertise or learn about some of the more popular classes and start conversations about what they're actually learning instead of waiting for them to volunteer that information.
That's what I've thought of so far, but I would love more input, if you* have any ideas. I'm still learning about residence life so I don't want to get overloaded with 'other' things, but if my work in student affairs doesn't ultimately support education in the classroom as well as learning outside of the classroom, I think I will have failed in my endeavor.
Cheers,
Ceci
*although these are 'Letters to Debbie,' they are also blog posts and as such I encourage any reader to join the conversation. PLEASE. :)
3.13.2014
LtD: Why I don't write (besides that I'm a lazy punk)
Dear Debbie,
Far be it from me to complain about a Terry class, but I often wondered why "College Students in America" was the first class we took in Higher Ed. It seemed very early in the program to be playing around with survey research, to be reading theory, and to be expected to do presentations (well, maybe that was just me). I think most of my cohort will agree that as important as we now realize Perry and Chickering are to our careers, we really didn't get it at the time. Perhaps it was a warning that in higher education, as in life, you have to be on your toes and recognize what is going to be important before it passes you by and you lose the textbook.
Part of the reason I haven't written in the last few months is because things keep happening that I really want to write about in the moment, but when after some thought I conclude that I shouldn't. On the one hand, confidentiality is something I've never struggled with before, but this is the first time I've had to be confidential about things that are, at their heart, really good stories. I don't want to risk breaking that confidentiality, and so the world is robbed of some pretty hilarious stories. On the other hand, I'm afraid that a lot of what I have to share would sound an awful lot like complaining (or would, actually, be complaining).
I've been in this job for about four and a half months, and I really enjoy it. I do. I've had some crazy things happen, of course, I've lost a lot of sleep and had a lot of conversations that I never thought I would be having. Deep down I feel blessed - I truly do. I am a young professional who wears jeans and a t-shirt to work. Going to college sporting events is part of my job. I interact directly with college students every day. I earn a real paycheck that covers my student loans, car payments, insurance, the occasional coffee drink, and a trip to Half Price Books each month. What more could I ask for?
I suppose a better way to think of it is to call my struggles and complaints "growing pains." As a TA and then a graduate assistant, I thought my world was pretty big. After all, I was having interesting, educated conversations with people about really important things like student development and biblical interpretation, I was encouraging critical thinking in a college classroom, and I was mentoring students. I felt like I was prepared for anything higher ed could throw at me. The last few months, however, have taught me that I did have a pretty big world - in theory. Every step I take seems to make the horizons of what is possible - and even probable - expand exponentially. I am realizing that as prepared and effective as I was (or thought I was) as a graduate assistant, I have a lot to learn every day about what it takes to be an effective RD.
I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that this is a permanent job, that I have really moved away from Pittsburgh and Geneva and my family, and your regular company. I think it's denial that keeps me from writing or calling more often - I keep expecting to walk onto campus, settle into my chair in the office, and observe the goings-on. It's probably never going to be like that again, is it?
I hope you're doing well, and I'm sorry if I rambled... although why that would be a surprise I'm sure I don't know :) Remember to celebrate Pi Day tomorrow!
Cheers,
Ceci
Far be it from me to complain about a Terry class, but I often wondered why "College Students in America" was the first class we took in Higher Ed. It seemed very early in the program to be playing around with survey research, to be reading theory, and to be expected to do presentations (well, maybe that was just me). I think most of my cohort will agree that as important as we now realize Perry and Chickering are to our careers, we really didn't get it at the time. Perhaps it was a warning that in higher education, as in life, you have to be on your toes and recognize what is going to be important before it passes you by and you lose the textbook.
Part of the reason I haven't written in the last few months is because things keep happening that I really want to write about in the moment, but when after some thought I conclude that I shouldn't. On the one hand, confidentiality is something I've never struggled with before, but this is the first time I've had to be confidential about things that are, at their heart, really good stories. I don't want to risk breaking that confidentiality, and so the world is robbed of some pretty hilarious stories. On the other hand, I'm afraid that a lot of what I have to share would sound an awful lot like complaining (or would, actually, be complaining).
I've been in this job for about four and a half months, and I really enjoy it. I do. I've had some crazy things happen, of course, I've lost a lot of sleep and had a lot of conversations that I never thought I would be having. Deep down I feel blessed - I truly do. I am a young professional who wears jeans and a t-shirt to work. Going to college sporting events is part of my job. I interact directly with college students every day. I earn a real paycheck that covers my student loans, car payments, insurance, the occasional coffee drink, and a trip to Half Price Books each month. What more could I ask for?
I suppose a better way to think of it is to call my struggles and complaints "growing pains." As a TA and then a graduate assistant, I thought my world was pretty big. After all, I was having interesting, educated conversations with people about really important things like student development and biblical interpretation, I was encouraging critical thinking in a college classroom, and I was mentoring students. I felt like I was prepared for anything higher ed could throw at me. The last few months, however, have taught me that I did have a pretty big world - in theory. Every step I take seems to make the horizons of what is possible - and even probable - expand exponentially. I am realizing that as prepared and effective as I was (or thought I was) as a graduate assistant, I have a lot to learn every day about what it takes to be an effective RD.
I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that this is a permanent job, that I have really moved away from Pittsburgh and Geneva and my family, and your regular company. I think it's denial that keeps me from writing or calling more often - I keep expecting to walk onto campus, settle into my chair in the office, and observe the goings-on. It's probably never going to be like that again, is it?
I hope you're doing well, and I'm sorry if I rambled... although why that would be a surprise I'm sure I don't know :) Remember to celebrate Pi Day tomorrow!
Cheers,
Ceci
11.07.2013
LtD: Ten Days In
Dear Debbie,
When I wrote my last letter I had absolutely no expectation that I would be offered the job for which I had just interviewed. It was the last thing on my mind, as a matter of fact, which is understandable considering I was a sight more concerned that I had broken my mom's car and I was going to miss a full day of the job I did have at the time. I thought I had probably seen the last of them when I finally drove away from Fort Wayne, but look at me now - both employed and happy in my employment.
The last week and a half have been one of the most intense learning experiences of my life. I spent three days doing my job without any login credentials. I was dealing with conduct issues and having RA one-on-ones starting on Monday morning, yet my first "formal" training didn't take place until Thursday. I'm not complaining. I know that's what ResLife is like and it's impossible to pause it just to train little ol' me in the middle of the semester. As a person who likes to have an outline and a thorough working knowledge of everything before leading an article discussion for 55 minutes, I was understandably distressed at the thought of speaking directly into students' lives armed only with my personal commitment to circumspection and neighborly behavior.
However.
Remember that paper I wrote for capstone about HED at Geneva being the "liberal arts" approach to higher education? I had some theoretical arguments for the efficacy of the approach, but this is where the rubber meets the road and it has been good for me. It's like my classes of the last two years - even the last six years - have been gradually turning my brain into a gum band. It stretches and adapts and applies itself to any issue I need to approach, but from time to time it gives me a good snap to keep me on my toes.
I can imagine you giving me a little half smile and leaning into your desk to say, "You know, Ceci, this is just the beginning. There are a lot more things for you to learn in this job." And I know it's true; I would be lying if I said that it wasn't stressful, or that I feel like I know what I'm doing. But I no longer feel overwhelmed when I think about tomorrow, and I am looking forward to tackling new challenges as they arise.
I'm sure I mentioned this after my interview, but the apartment is great. It's easily four times the size of my last apartment, and all of my earthly possessions barely make it look furnished... but it's exactly the kind of space I think a hall director should have: open and comfortable, and I'm looking for ways to make it even more hospitable. I've started by bribing people with Guitar Hero and coffee/tea/hot chocolate. Sound like anyone we know?
I can't forget my staff! You'll remember that when I came back to BF I really wanted to write them a note and tell them how impressed I was with them during the interview? I want to do it more every day. I am excited to be a hall director and get to know all of my residents, but I am even more excited to work with these RAs, to support their efforts and help them to excel as a team, to mentor them if they will let me. Everything that I really wanted to do with TAs, but this time it's part of my job description instead of extracurricular.
So basically, I'm excited about learning. I'm excited about meaningful conversations. I'm excited about teamwork. I'll bet that's a surprise, hmm?
Cheers,
Ceci
When I wrote my last letter I had absolutely no expectation that I would be offered the job for which I had just interviewed. It was the last thing on my mind, as a matter of fact, which is understandable considering I was a sight more concerned that I had broken my mom's car and I was going to miss a full day of the job I did have at the time. I thought I had probably seen the last of them when I finally drove away from Fort Wayne, but look at me now - both employed and happy in my employment.
The last week and a half have been one of the most intense learning experiences of my life. I spent three days doing my job without any login credentials. I was dealing with conduct issues and having RA one-on-ones starting on Monday morning, yet my first "formal" training didn't take place until Thursday. I'm not complaining. I know that's what ResLife is like and it's impossible to pause it just to train little ol' me in the middle of the semester. As a person who likes to have an outline and a thorough working knowledge of everything before leading an article discussion for 55 minutes, I was understandably distressed at the thought of speaking directly into students' lives armed only with my personal commitment to circumspection and neighborly behavior.
However.
Remember that paper I wrote for capstone about HED at Geneva being the "liberal arts" approach to higher education? I had some theoretical arguments for the efficacy of the approach, but this is where the rubber meets the road and it has been good for me. It's like my classes of the last two years - even the last six years - have been gradually turning my brain into a gum band. It stretches and adapts and applies itself to any issue I need to approach, but from time to time it gives me a good snap to keep me on my toes.
I can imagine you giving me a little half smile and leaning into your desk to say, "You know, Ceci, this is just the beginning. There are a lot more things for you to learn in this job." And I know it's true; I would be lying if I said that it wasn't stressful, or that I feel like I know what I'm doing. But I no longer feel overwhelmed when I think about tomorrow, and I am looking forward to tackling new challenges as they arise.
I'm sure I mentioned this after my interview, but the apartment is great. It's easily four times the size of my last apartment, and all of my earthly possessions barely make it look furnished... but it's exactly the kind of space I think a hall director should have: open and comfortable, and I'm looking for ways to make it even more hospitable. I've started by bribing people with Guitar Hero and coffee/tea/hot chocolate. Sound like anyone we know?
I can't forget my staff! You'll remember that when I came back to BF I really wanted to write them a note and tell them how impressed I was with them during the interview? I want to do it more every day. I am excited to be a hall director and get to know all of my residents, but I am even more excited to work with these RAs, to support their efforts and help them to excel as a team, to mentor them if they will let me. Everything that I really wanted to do with TAs, but this time it's part of my job description instead of extracurricular.
So basically, I'm excited about learning. I'm excited about meaningful conversations. I'm excited about teamwork. I'll bet that's a surprise, hmm?
Cheers,
Ceci
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